A Contemplation of Beauty

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus

Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you. 

Titus 2:11-15

     Yesterday was one of those days. I do not mean this in a negative way, but rather it was one of those days where the absolute immensity of what Jesus has done for me filled me with a joy that had me feeling as if I must burst. At the same moment, I was also full of a great grief, vast and inconsolable, at the many souls who do not know this comfort. So many who are not "waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior." It was a feeling that made me want to dance and to weep even while whirling like a little girl with a swirly dress. I cannot describe it better. It was awe, pain, savage joy, and a keen humbling all rolled up and jumbled together with other, less describable emotions and sensations. It was beautiful. It was terrible.
     It all started with thoughts from my earlier post; with the rather staggering and yet exciting thoughts of being a portion of the pillar and buttress of the Truth. It was mingled, of course, with the knowledge that many who know about the truth--that is to say, who know about the Lord--do not know Him, just as I may know about you, my readers. I know you exist, I have an idea that you read my ramblings, and yet I do not know your favorite color, your height or build, what you do for a buck, nor even your gender. I know about you, but I do not know you. I struggle here with both sorrow and frustration. Sorrow that these are missing the incredible beauty of communing with the Almighty; frustration that any could read the facts of Christ's amazing sacrifice and not be simply overwhelmed by gratitude and love in such a way that their lives become radically different than they were before.
     These thoughts stuck with me through my day as I participated in a free car wash that my church provides  as a service to our community many weeks through the summer. Free meaning no donations accepted, not ever in the past, not now, nor in the future. Car wash meaning a thorough scrubdown of the outside of the vehicle with care taken not to mix cloths used on tires with cloths used on paint and complete with squeegeed windows. I love these events and despite the fact that standing in the heat usually triggers a migraine, I choose to attend as many as I can. I love to talk to the people, to answer the question, "Why is it free?" I love to watch the reactions when I describe that God's grace is a gift that we cannot earn, that Christ died on the cross and we can never repay that debt. It is freely given. This is only a small picture of that gift. It is a privilege to share those words when I am able. Some do not care to hear, but so many have their curiosity piqued, particularly when they say something like, "But if I were to hand you some cash, you would take it, right?" and I say with a smile, "No, I wouldn't," often following with an anecdote of past donation attempts.
     Those conversations in the sun turned my thoughts again to what an incredible privilege it is to know God, to know this Truth that sets me free. It urged me to pray more urgently for those who do not know Him. It also made me crazy-dizzy with wonder that the ancient and marvelous Creator, this intelligence so vast and pure and perfect, would deign to even acknowledge a speck like me. I had one of those moments of fresh amazement that He not only acknowledges me, He actually sent His Son to rescue me from imprisonment to sin. He opened my eyes to the truth, and I am forever changed.
     Another moment and I was saddened by the wandering of my foolish heart, the fact that I, knowing this and experiencing this, would ever experience a moment of doubt or allow my thoughts to be captive to anything less that the glorious captivity to Christ! Here I am, offered completely free and unlimited access to the very throne of grace, and I do not spend my every waking moment there, at His feet. What a splendid fool I can be! There is no need to simply sit there, either, for He has sent His Spirit to dwell within me, to guide and comfort me. Why I listen to any other voice is quite beyond me, but I do.
     The day wore on, the migraine came, my Community Group met at my home, and all my previous thoughts were thrust into sharp focus yet again. The evening found me on the couch hoping my second line of migraine rescue meds would work and yet filled with a strange and uncontrolled joy. I serve a good God. Even in pain, I know He is good and He will never leave me though I sometimes ignore Him. He is utterly faithful in a way I could only ever long to be. I was full of gratitude for my three children, seated around me and praying, the youngest of which had gone to get me an ice pack from the freezer--a trick I had never tried for sheer inability to think or move at that stage of migraine but found extremely soothing. My middle daughter wept for the though of her friend who had lost her father to cancer, though we know he is not truly lost but has merely gone on home before her. My son was wiped out from trying to tough out a headache and exhaustion of his own earlier in the day because he simply did not want to sit down and quit during the car wash. My husband was taking care of things I could not handle at the moment. It was a glorious pain, and I was again overcome.
     I am still amazed at the fact that the great God calls me child. I do long for the day that I slough off this sinful husk and dwell with Him in bliss eternal, yet I am honored beyond belief that He would give me this relationship with Himself here and now, that He would entrust even the tiniest portion of the job of proclaiming His truth, reality, and glory to even a single other soul. I deeply desire to be like my Father, more than ever I wanted to be like my human parents, and I am astonished each day that He would continue to teach me when I prove so obstinate and inept a student. I wish I could make the world see what I began to see when first I sought His face. I wish I could transfer the passion, gratitude, wonder, and awe that I feel directly into their hearts and minds. I wish that I was as faithful to Him as He is to me, as patient to others as He is with me, as firm and as loving a parent as He.
     There is so much I wish! If I could start by triggering the desire of one single person to seek Him relentlessly... Oh, what a joy that would be! How can I even put into words what I feel? I hope and pray that you, whoever you are, can see what I mean. I hope that you love Him already as much or more than I, but if you do not, I pray with all my might that you will desire it. For if you desire more of Him, it is a stone-cold guarantee that He will give you more of Himself than you can ever imagine. The truth be told, He already has! Now it remains for us to submit to our training, to renounce worldly passions, and to experience something far greater than we could even find words to ask for or imagine. It remains for us to be shaken out of our reverie, to plumb the depths of His word and revel in the privilege of His presence, and for love of His holy name to reject what He rejects and adore what He adores. As the adage says, "There is no time like the present." May we become entirely preoccupied with the things of God in all areas of our lives from this moment forward. May we be so loud in our praise and so zealous in our pursuit of living self-controlled, upright, and Godly lives that no one indeed can disregard us. Come, let us magnify the Lord together!

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.   Psalms 16:1-11