My Sneaky Sin

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil."   Ecclesiastes 12:13-14   

       I had one of my senseless attacks of social anxiety yesterday. My poor, patient husband is well acquainted with them, and I have made an effort not to plague him with them anymore. I am certain he is weary of hearing me fret over saying something foolish or worrying that I talked too much, or too brashly, or too rudely, or not boldly enough... or any of a myriad of other concerns. These always come on me following any group activity or meeting, usually if there is even a single new person but sometimes even with old friends whom I have been around frequently. Always, however, it is a relentless questioning of everything I said and did, a ruthless examining of every word, every vocal inflection, every loss of control, and every twitch of my fidgety fingers. Yesterday was no different... until a moment ago. 

     It suddenly struck me that this very social anxiety that has disrupted my life on more occasions than I'd care to admit is nothing more than mere sin. How fantastic and utterly liberating it was for me to realize that! For, as John Alexander wrote (and I paraphrase): "Sin is the best news there is. . . because with sin there's a way out. There's the possibility of repentance." My fear of looking foolish in front of others, or to put it more accurately, that others will see the carefully-masked fool behind my façade, is simply a failure to keep my eyes on the Light to my path. I am looking to my own ridiculous self and no longer taking every thought captive to obey Christ. As a matter of fact, in the moment of anxiety, I have forgotten Christ altogether and seem to give my devotion to my own person--or even more ridiculously to my own absurdity-- rather than to Him. The social anxiety which has overwhelmed me for years is nothing more than a function of my diseased and over-fed pride. You see, in the moment of prideful worry I have forgotten the crux of the matter--that is, that I do not matter at all, for I am no longer my own. I am His and should He decide to parade me as a fool before others in His ancient and unknowable wisdom, my place is to praise Him for facilitating the destruction of my pride instead of my natural tendency to mourn my own silliness. But usually He is merely allowing me to see for myself what is already quite well known to Him, just as I often do with my own children...

     It is such a relief to me to realize that this, too,  is something I can repent of and leave behind. It is also exciting to realize yet another depth of the grace He has given me, to free me from such petty and yet perturbing sins as this. I am certain it will take me many tries before I succeed in true repentance and letting it go, as this is an old and deeply rooted sin and it will likely not loose me so easily. However, repent I will, and as many times as I must until it loses its power over me. My former sensei was fond of saying that once you know what you are doing wrong, all that's left is the 6000 repetitions until you get it right.

     <Sigh> Only 5999 more to go. . .

"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!"
Psalms 141:3

Scripture quotations are from the ESV^® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version^®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.