No Greater Gift

For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified. And the Holy Spirit also bears witness to us; for after saying, "This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds," then he adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more."

Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin. Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has spurned the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay." And again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. 

Hebrews 10:14-31

     Wow. That is a sobering thought. On one hand, I want to laugh and weep and shout for joy because the hefty cost of my sin has been paid; finally, fully, and for all time. I am not longer obliged to continually make sacrifice after sacrifice for my sins, for my staggering debt is canceled in Christ. As the hymn says, "Jesus paid it all; all to Him I owe." It is a good thing to be forgiven; a freeing thing.

     However, when I spend a silent moment thinking back on all the times I have misused others or thought myself wise or nursed my own wounded feelings or innumerable other ways I have placed myself first before God and others, I am astonished that He would even bother to stain His purity to pay the debt of my stingy, crude, and self-serving soul. Even after I accepted His Lordship in my life, I have strayed--a fact which sickens me in my moments of clarity but which also seems oh, so reasonable in the heat of the emotion or the circumstance. In fact, the very meanness and pettiness of my emotions are exposed in the face of such noble compassion, and I find I want to sob with shame that at one time in my life, I rejected Him Who is so much more worthy of my love and devotion than I am of His. I am so grateful that He did not give up on me then.

     Even more sobering, however, is this thought: Now that I do know the truth, dare I be flippant with it? Do I dare to toy with sin, knowing the astonishing price that was paid on my behalf?  The more I walk with God, the more I see how deeply the sin nature is ingrained in me, the more I see that nearly every action, thought, and motive of my heart is dreadfully tainted and twisted with it. So seeing, I desperately cling to Him, pleading with Him to free me from the struggle between my dead flesh and my new found life in Christ. This is the other hand, the partner of the emotion I began with... the sobering reality of the cost, the understanding that a willful spurning of such a gift leaves no room for further mercy. This is the utter extent of mercy, the epitome of it. There is nothing else to give, no other sacrifice can be made. He has already given all. It would be a grave blunder to understand the extravagance of this gift and nonchalantly toss it aside.

     With these thoughts in mind, it is much easier to see how little this world and the things of this world really are. I write these things down in part because I know that, just like a child, I am prone to become distracted with what seems so real around me, prone to wander from my Father's side. Always, however, He reminds me that He is my greatest need, He is the fulfillment of all my desires, He is eternal and unchanging--indeed, He is everything. All the rest--the good and the bad, the beauty and the  pain, friend and family and enemy alike--all will pass away. But His words will never pass away. His love will never pass away. The atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ will never dim nor fade, its value will never diminish or its totality fail. It is enough. He is enough. And when I get to the end of all things, there really is nothing else, no other way by which I may be saved. Should I, or anyone, choose to shun His exorbitant grace, then that one rejects Life itself. All that is left for such a one is the pale shadow of a swiftly fading flower.

     Lord, may we not chase such fleeting fictions as this world offers, but may we instead be blissfully and joyfully beholden to You!

 Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Psalms 128:1-2

Enduring Faithfulness

Forever, O LORD, your word is firmly fixed in the heavens. Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast. By your appointment they stand this day, for all things are your servants. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have given me life. I am yours; save me, for I have sought your precepts. 
Psalms 119:89-94

     For some days now, my thoughts have turned to praise; my heart has been full of worship. I have had moments of just plain fatigue-born forgetfulness, but then suddenly this fierce joy comes welling up again. I am not a singer, but I sing. I find I am thankful for the hardships, thankful for friends, thankful for my work, thankful even for pain.

     It is a curious thing that brought me to this place. It was a weekend full of bone-crushing exhaustion coupled with my typical pre-migraine sense of spiritual void. It would be difficult to explain fully and so I will not try. It is enough to say that in the thick of it, I called upon the Lord for energy and clarity of mind the day before a task He had given me to do so I could prepare. He did not give it. Instead, that Monday I experienced a dramatic worsening of symptoms followed by a horrendous migraine that sent me to bed at 6:30 full of medication that did no more than polish the sharp edges. The sense of abandonment was heightened by so many other factors, many so personal that I cannot relate here, and I can only really share the barest glimpse of what went on inside my heart and mind. As it was, I felt utterly defeated and abandoned, and when the next day dawned I was angry and resentful of God.

     So silly, really. As I look back, I realize that I was simply and precisely committing the sin of unbelief, not to mention nursing my wounded pride. Apparently I allowed my feelings free reign and temporarily forgot Who was God and who was just the clay. While things did not go my way on that day, it certainly cannot be said they went badly. In fact, all was well and God did show up--in the nick of time--to give me the strength and resources I needed to do what He had told me to do. What a fool I was to doubt His faithfulness!

      At any rate, it is this experience that brought me to the edge of my faith and caused me to peer over to recall exactly what life was like before I knew my Lord. Before Christ, my life was empty; entirely, utterly empty. Oh, I had my family and I had my home and all of that, but on the day when I felt that God was not merely distant but had actually left me completely, I felt that I was bereft of a reason to go on. It is difficult to explain in words, for words do not do the experience justice. But words are what I have and so they must suffice. It was as if God, in His infinite wisdom, withdrew Himself from me completely so that I would be able to profoundly recall what it means to live in darkness without Him.

     It has heightened my passion for Him and for His word in ways I cannot express. I have joy unquenchable knowing that I have had my faith stripped to the very bones and found that it is built on Christ alone and not on feelings or circumstance. Without Him, there is truly nothing but death, darkness, decay. In Him I am alive, blessedly and fully alive. This gives me a much greater passion to shine His light into the dark and horrible places of the human experience, to share the wonder of no longer belonging to this ball of water and rock but to Someone immeasurably, infinitely greater.

      The experience was two-fold. He also allowed me to come to the very point of despair so that He could remind me how important my plans are to Him. They are just as important as a single grain of sand; as useful as wind to a motorboat. You see, I like to plan and to be prepared. God prefers me to rely on Him. While I am in no wise suggesting that planning is wrong or evil, I do know that in this one instance, He was clear on His purposes: He had called me to perform this task and He would give me exactly what I need to do it--just not my way.

     And so today I sit down to finish this post that my three most blessed interruptions prevented the finishing of yesterday, the threat of a migraine lurking and dulling my thoughts, and I cannot help but still feel wonder at the faithfulness of my God. I cannot help but feel awe that He has allowed me the privilege of approaching the Throne of Grace. I have such joy that, though I am helpless and entirely in His hands, I have no need to fear for His hands are hands of boundless love, inconceivable forbearance, and a steadfastness unchanged despite the tumult of human history. Whether I like how He does things are not, I know that I can trust Him implicitly--even when His ways are incomprehensible to me. He is good, and His word is good. How could I but love Him in return?

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes. 

The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Glad songs of salvation are in the tents of the righteous: "The right hand of the LORD does valiantly, the right hand of the LORD exalts, the right hand of the LORD does valiantly!" I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death. Open to me the gates of righteousness, that I may enter through them and give thanks to the LORD. 

Psalms 118:6-9, 14-19

   
   

Really Real

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. 

Ephesians 3:14-21

     In today's world, the careful watcher might find a rapidly-accelerating decline of those who uphold the Word of God as true and infallible from cover to cover. It can be seen in high places and in low. A former pastor of ours recently wrote of an meeting in North Carolina in which a Dr. Kimball--a thoroughly degreed and educated leader in his denomination--stated that the Christian's claim that our understanding of salvation is the only way to absolute truth is inflicting global harm. Ironically, if others in his sphere of influence are led astray by his words, the harm he inflicts will be eternal. This makes me want to weep.

     Closer to home, I have had conversations with others who want to "be Jesus" to people by fighting for their rights even though the "rights" in question stand in opposition to God's commands and indeed against the very purity of His nature. Here, too, rather than "being Jesus," they are actually slighting His sacrifice as well as lending a hand in fastening the chains rather than leading others to the Truth that would set them free.  I have listened to dialog among churchgoers that could be considered witty, edgy, and bold if it were not merely exhibiting an "unhealthy craving for controversy" which Paul warned Timothy about in a letter so many years ago. It is unfortunate, however, that such dialog often ensnares the listener, especially those whose foundation is not rooted and grounded in the love of Christ. I fear for those caught in such a web.

     Too many times I have seen behind the scenes, so to speak, at church not passion for Christ bursting out in a public display of His love and grace, but just the show for the sake of the show, people turning on the churchy words, phrases, and even Scripture quotations in an ugly parody of true and humble devotion. This I find perhaps the saddest of all, for it is reminiscent of Jesus' discussion of whitewashed tombs--beautiful on the outside but inwardly full of death and decay.

      In all such cases, I find myself deeply grieved by people claiming the name of Christ who neither understand the gravity of sin nor the weight of Christ's sacrifice to atone for it. I am so sorrowful that these folks are either profoundly deceived or are deceivers themselves. I choose to hope for the former. Whatever the case, these things are merely drops in a storm-tossed sea teeming with misunderstanding, misrepresentation, and even outright mockery of what Christ has done. In all cases, I have come to think that the greatest problem is not so much a lack of intelligence or sound training, nor do I think the blame fully lies in allowing the culture to creep into the church (although that certainly is a part of it). The real culprit in this fiasco is unbelief, plain and simple.

     I honestly think that if these modern-day dabblers in philosophy truly, deeply, and passionately sought the face of God and found Him to be an actual fact and not an intellectualized ideology, their approach towards His Word would be quite different. If a mere hour was spent examining a patch of forest or grassland while speculating that a being powerful enough to make, not only this minuscule portion of teeming forest mulch, but an entire world of complex and inter-dependent ecosystems--to say nothing of the sun, moon, and stars that govern much of what passes on this semi-spherical ball of rock--well, then it would be difficult not to take a Creator like that seriously. If they believed He could do the fantastic things the Bible says He did, that would also give pause as well as lead to sincere worship!

     If there was a genuine understanding of the vastness and purity of God, of the "height and depth and length and breadth" of His power, His holiness, and forgiveness--and of Christ's humility and ultimate act of propitiation, it would only be too easy to take Him at His word. We would not bother wrangling about words but instead would devote ourselves to what His Word plainly says and live it. We would not only claim belief, we would live like we believed. His honor would be vital to us, more crucial even than our own. We would suffer when His name was mocked, hurt when His truth was doubted, feel joy when His truth was proclaimed and a reverent and awe-filled wonder when we looked into His Book or upon His creation. We would learn to love deeply and honestly, and we would learn what love means. We would find that love is more unyielding and uncompromising than stone and yet sweeter and more piquant once we have, ourselves, yielded. We would seek the face of God, and we would find Him beyond imagination and so holy we would find ourselves prostrate without even being conscious of our prostration.

      I find, also, that I long to live in those moments when I actually do see a glimpse of the Glory and can hardly breathe for the weight of it. I am passionately praying for my local church body and for the Church worldwide that we will all comprehend the height, depth, length, and breadth of the love of Christ. I am praying for passion and purity, for absolute truth and absolute devotion. I am praying for eyes and hearts to be opened to the reality of God and for His light to shine into dark places, exposing what needs to be exposed so it can either be healed or cast out.
 
     And in the midst of my fervent and sometimes tearful prayers, I cannot help but break out in joyful worship! For I know that no matter how dark the hour seems, nor how firm a grip evil seems to have, the One within me is greater than the one who, for a little season, runs amok in the world. I invite you to join me in loving and serving this very real, very present, vast and unchanging God!

 It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy. How great are your works, O LORD! Your thoughts are very deep! 

Psalms 92:1-5

     

Taking Every Thought Captive

Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. 

Psalms 73:1-3

     These are dark days we live in without a doubt. There is trouble within the church and without, a general acceptance of sin and a general ignorance of the Word of God. There is even a distaste for the Scripture, a belief that it is not relevant or that we have to, in some new way, make relevant ancient and unshakable principals that have existed long before pop culture was born and will stand long after its demise. This modern era boasts a short-sightedness and a hedonism that sometimes seems unprecedented until history is examined and it is found that such conditions often occurred in ancient empires before they fell. It sometimes seems that we humans, while preoccupied with obtaining wealth and privilege, do not actually handle the realization of it well. I wonder...

     These things are no surprise to the student of the Holy Writ. Jesus Himself taught that there would be wars, natural disasters, and conflict leading up to the last days, saying also that, "And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold." (Matthew 24:10-12).

     Paul warns Timothy that there will be "...times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." (2 Timothy 3:1-5)  He also talks of people surrounding themselves with teachers that say what they like to hear.

     It is not news to the humble student of God's Word that it often does not say what we like to hear! However, in it and through it all, we see the goodness, purity, and holiness of our great and mighty God, and so we love it even when it makes us uncomfortably aware of our own folly and failures. We love it because His love is greater.
   
     All this darkness, all the relentless and insidious attempts to chip away and diminish the Truth and to besmirch the character of my God can sometimes feel overwhelming. I have found that, in times of personal passionate resistance to the wrongs I see about me, my steps do almost slip. I feel envy that the arrogant and those who malign the Word of God seem to prosper and thrive. Turning my thoughts away from contemplation of my God, I find my feet quickly wander to a slippery slope of concern for the Church that quickly becomes worry, doubt, insecurity... any number of incorrect mental attitudes.
      

They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them. And they say, "How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?" Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches. All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence. For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning. 

Psalms 73:8-14

     How easily do I slip into this same mode of thinking that David writes of, this utterly ridiculous mode of self-pity!  And yet I do... I have a great passion for the Word and love for the Author of it, and I hold His truths to be absolute. Yet at times, I find that my focus shifts from Him onto the problems, the toils, the corruption, or innumerable other distractions. At times the storm seems to me greater than my God.
 
     But it is not.

But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. 

Psalms 73:16-18

     Like David, sometimes I need to go into the sanctuary of God. For me, this is not a literal, physical place but an attitude of prayer and meditation on the goodness of my Lord -- a posture of humility, reflection, and prayer, if you will. Sometimes I need to refocus on the One who is greater than all His adversaries, mightier than any attack against His character, and powerful enough to still the most raging storm with nothing more than a word.  

When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. 

Psalms 73:21-28

     It is so good to know that the strength I need is not found in my own faltering flesh, but that God is my strength and my portion. I have no need of  transient pleasures even though I may enjoy them, nor should I rely on prosperity that earthly or spiritual storms can easily sweep away. I have God; I have the seal of the Holy Spirit as a promise; I have an ever-growing love and appreciation for Jesus Christ my Lord. I need nothing more. When I can remember that, when I in my darkest and most gloomy ruminations can call back to mind the praise of my King, the greatness of my God, the unfathomable riches of His mercy and grace, and the bare and simple fact that no matter how wide and far the shadow may spread, the Light of Truth will dispel it in His time. In His time. 

 

     Refocusing and returning my steps back to the firm and ancient path, I find joy inexpressible. It is both sublimely simple and distressingly difficult for me to take every thought captive to obey Christ, to walk that fine line of "knowing them by their fruits," and "do not judge so that you will not be judged." However, when I do, when my whole heart, soul, and mind are fixated on honest and heartfelt worship of my King, I find something wonderful: The joy of the Lord is my strength!

Deep Waters

But I am afflicted and in pain; let your salvation, O God, set me on high! I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving.

 Psalms 69:29-30

     I so love the Word of God! I cannot express to you how often the perfect words come into my daily reading, either my personal time or the time that I have with my children... sometimes both! Sometimes I will read a rebuke that will make me squirm; a stern warning that I have been indulging some act of pride or another sin and I need to let it go. These times are not fun, I admit, but they are absolutely wonderful for I know that the Lord disciplines those He loves. At other times, I will find encouragement when I am feeling defeated, reminders to wait on the Lord when I am stamping with impatience, or a rush of excitement when yet another small section of God's magnificence and eon-spanning masterpiece becomes clearer to me.

   As anyone who has been reading my somewhat sporadic documentation of my faith journey will know, I have had a great deal of pain. As a matter of fact, it was the beginning of Psalm 69 that first drew me in to read it repeatedly throughout yesterday and again this morning. David cries out in these verses, "Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me." It so closely echoed the cry of my own heart. It has not only been physical pain that has plagued me lately, but emotional pain of discord within my church body, dear friends moving one at a time for years now, and distance from our extended family. Pain, both physical and emotional, has been a constant in my life for many years now, and lately I have felt that water creeping up to my neck and a growing panic that I may be consumed by it. I nearly cried when I read David's opening verse because it was exactly how I was feeling.

     However, God did not leave David there and He does not leave me there, floundering in rising water and dread. He reminds me of His past faithfulness. If I am to drown in any water, it will be the the Living Water as I die to myself and am made alive to God in Christ. The waters of trial and trouble may rise to my very chin, but they will not overpower me, as I am reminded in Isaiah: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you..." (Isaiah 43:2).  There is no situation, no pain, no difficulty too big for my God to handle. He will allow me to walk through dark valleys and deep waters because it is good for me to learn to trust Him in them as well as in the high and sunny places of ease. I am so thankful for that.

      Yesterday and today, God used the words of this Psalm to remind me that, when I am afflicted and in pain, I am not alone. Though I may not feel His presence, He is there. He reminds me that, despite the pain or the trouble or the difficult situation I find myself in, I am still to praise Him. It is not in my situations that I find joy, you see, it is in Him. He is my joy; He is my strength. And so, when the waters are turbulent and threatening, I have a choice. I can fixate on the troubled waters and the uneasiness of my heart, or I can turn my mind and focus to the things above. My joy, after all, is not found on this earth but in God alone. He is my joy. He is my strength. Even when all the world seems to be caving in around me, I can still sing for my God has overcome the world. Today, despite my weariness and my pain, I will praise His name with a song and I will magnify Him with thanksgiving.

 I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! 

Psalms 34:1-8

Light

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." 

Ephesians 5:6-14

     The contrast between light and dark is an interesting thing. I am fascinated by the way light shows the true colors of everything it falls upon. I was thinking of this as we were driving just the other night. I was exhausted, in the middle of a partially-managed migraine, and feeling a distinct and familiar blackness plucking at my heart and seeping around the edges of my mind. There were many things to add to my list of unpleasantness: missing my extended family, children becoming young adults all too quickly, friends moving away, difficult decisions to make... the particulars do not matter, really. The fact is that a very dark mood was groping for a hold on my heart. We were driving around dusk,and  my husband commented on the unique quality of the light at that time of day. It was the time of day when the sun was waning, having already painted the sky in resplendence and bathed the earth in a radiant, golden-pinkish hue. This was the dimming hour, the fading time when all colors are blurring and fading into shades of gray, dwindling to blackness.
     As I wrestled with the darkness within and observed the encroaching darkness without, I could not help but think of John's words, ". . .  God is light, and in him is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5b). I thought of how the light makes all things visible. I see shades of green, a splendid riot of color, contrast and color and charm. None of that exists in the dark. Instead, muted by the absence of light, even what is hideous and horrible can be mistaken for loveliness... and much that is lovely could be misrepresented or overlooked entirely. The light reveals both beauty and decay; it both exposes and reveals. Without the light, I would be stumbling blind, hoping to find my way through the landscape of life that seems now serene, now menacing, but never known.
     With great chagrin, I have to admit that, despite these ruminations the darkness--my nemesis since my youth--won out for a time. I was crippled and I did stagger about filled with sorrow, doubt, and a general instability of my own self-image. Rather than taking every thought captive to obey Christ, for a time every thought seemed captive to myself, crying out in the murk of an inner twilight. I was caught up in despair, feeling foolish and insecure. To make matters worse, this very element of despair became a tool with which I would proclaim, "See how ridiculous I am, how utterly incapable of even the simplest act of obedience?" and in the dark, my failure seemed about to consume me.
     Fortunately for me, God has given me a "lamp for my feet and a light to my path," and when the darkness became thickly smothering and oppressive, I opened that Book and reminded myself what was important. Not me--neither triumphs nor failures nor any other thing I do is too colossal for God. I may make a fool of myself from time to time, but He is greater than the greatest of my folly, and He has promised that He will always be there for me. Even in the valley of deep darkness, He is there though I may have allowed the darkness to obscure my vision for a time. He walks with me even there, ready to shine His light on my path if only I will ask for it.
     He illuminates more than my path. His light shines into my self-absorption and exposes it for what it is: sin, pure and simple. It is nothing more than pride gone awry, for self-loathing is self-focus as much as self-exaltation ever was. Once His light showed the true colors inside, I had the choice before me that we all make whenever we stumble: Repent and turn back to Him or plug my ears and blind my eyes willfully and run headlong into the darkness. I very intentionally chose repentance, for there is nothing but misery and horror in that darkness without Christ. I walked there many days of my youth, and even when it creeps in and tries to overtake me, I will never be a slave to that furtive and cowardly thief of joy again. My joy is in the Lord, and when the darkness looms, I will always ask, as David once did, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in despair within me? Hope in God, for I will again praise Him!"
     For you see, though darkness may come to call as my enemy of old, that liar called Depression, it cannot lay a firm hold on me. I belong to the Light, and when those frigid fingers begin to worm around my heart, I am reminded to cry out to Him for help and to praise Him for the redemption He has already effected. I am no longer in darkness. I am a child of the Light!

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.   John 1:5

 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. 

So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.

 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. 

My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. 

Psalms 63:1-9

A Contemplation of Beauty

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus

Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you. 

Titus 2:11-15

     Yesterday was one of those days. I do not mean this in a negative way, but rather it was one of those days where the absolute immensity of what Jesus has done for me filled me with a joy that had me feeling as if I must burst. At the same moment, I was also full of a great grief, vast and inconsolable, at the many souls who do not know this comfort. So many who are not "waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior." It was a feeling that made me want to dance and to weep even while whirling like a little girl with a swirly dress. I cannot describe it better. It was awe, pain, savage joy, and a keen humbling all rolled up and jumbled together with other, less describable emotions and sensations. It was beautiful. It was terrible.
     It all started with thoughts from my earlier post; with the rather staggering and yet exciting thoughts of being a portion of the pillar and buttress of the Truth. It was mingled, of course, with the knowledge that many who know about the truth--that is to say, who know about the Lord--do not know Him, just as I may know about you, my readers. I know you exist, I have an idea that you read my ramblings, and yet I do not know your favorite color, your height or build, what you do for a buck, nor even your gender. I know about you, but I do not know you. I struggle here with both sorrow and frustration. Sorrow that these are missing the incredible beauty of communing with the Almighty; frustration that any could read the facts of Christ's amazing sacrifice and not be simply overwhelmed by gratitude and love in such a way that their lives become radically different than they were before.
     These thoughts stuck with me through my day as I participated in a free car wash that my church provides  as a service to our community many weeks through the summer. Free meaning no donations accepted, not ever in the past, not now, nor in the future. Car wash meaning a thorough scrubdown of the outside of the vehicle with care taken not to mix cloths used on tires with cloths used on paint and complete with squeegeed windows. I love these events and despite the fact that standing in the heat usually triggers a migraine, I choose to attend as many as I can. I love to talk to the people, to answer the question, "Why is it free?" I love to watch the reactions when I describe that God's grace is a gift that we cannot earn, that Christ died on the cross and we can never repay that debt. It is freely given. This is only a small picture of that gift. It is a privilege to share those words when I am able. Some do not care to hear, but so many have their curiosity piqued, particularly when they say something like, "But if I were to hand you some cash, you would take it, right?" and I say with a smile, "No, I wouldn't," often following with an anecdote of past donation attempts.
     Those conversations in the sun turned my thoughts again to what an incredible privilege it is to know God, to know this Truth that sets me free. It urged me to pray more urgently for those who do not know Him. It also made me crazy-dizzy with wonder that the ancient and marvelous Creator, this intelligence so vast and pure and perfect, would deign to even acknowledge a speck like me. I had one of those moments of fresh amazement that He not only acknowledges me, He actually sent His Son to rescue me from imprisonment to sin. He opened my eyes to the truth, and I am forever changed.
     Another moment and I was saddened by the wandering of my foolish heart, the fact that I, knowing this and experiencing this, would ever experience a moment of doubt or allow my thoughts to be captive to anything less that the glorious captivity to Christ! Here I am, offered completely free and unlimited access to the very throne of grace, and I do not spend my every waking moment there, at His feet. What a splendid fool I can be! There is no need to simply sit there, either, for He has sent His Spirit to dwell within me, to guide and comfort me. Why I listen to any other voice is quite beyond me, but I do.
     The day wore on, the migraine came, my Community Group met at my home, and all my previous thoughts were thrust into sharp focus yet again. The evening found me on the couch hoping my second line of migraine rescue meds would work and yet filled with a strange and uncontrolled joy. I serve a good God. Even in pain, I know He is good and He will never leave me though I sometimes ignore Him. He is utterly faithful in a way I could only ever long to be. I was full of gratitude for my three children, seated around me and praying, the youngest of which had gone to get me an ice pack from the freezer--a trick I had never tried for sheer inability to think or move at that stage of migraine but found extremely soothing. My middle daughter wept for the though of her friend who had lost her father to cancer, though we know he is not truly lost but has merely gone on home before her. My son was wiped out from trying to tough out a headache and exhaustion of his own earlier in the day because he simply did not want to sit down and quit during the car wash. My husband was taking care of things I could not handle at the moment. It was a glorious pain, and I was again overcome.
     I am still amazed at the fact that the great God calls me child. I do long for the day that I slough off this sinful husk and dwell with Him in bliss eternal, yet I am honored beyond belief that He would give me this relationship with Himself here and now, that He would entrust even the tiniest portion of the job of proclaiming His truth, reality, and glory to even a single other soul. I deeply desire to be like my Father, more than ever I wanted to be like my human parents, and I am astonished each day that He would continue to teach me when I prove so obstinate and inept a student. I wish I could make the world see what I began to see when first I sought His face. I wish I could transfer the passion, gratitude, wonder, and awe that I feel directly into their hearts and minds. I wish that I was as faithful to Him as He is to me, as patient to others as He is with me, as firm and as loving a parent as He.
     There is so much I wish! If I could start by triggering the desire of one single person to seek Him relentlessly... Oh, what a joy that would be! How can I even put into words what I feel? I hope and pray that you, whoever you are, can see what I mean. I hope that you love Him already as much or more than I, but if you do not, I pray with all my might that you will desire it. For if you desire more of Him, it is a stone-cold guarantee that He will give you more of Himself than you can ever imagine. The truth be told, He already has! Now it remains for us to submit to our training, to renounce worldly passions, and to experience something far greater than we could even find words to ask for or imagine. It remains for us to be shaken out of our reverie, to plumb the depths of His word and revel in the privilege of His presence, and for love of His holy name to reject what He rejects and adore what He adores. As the adage says, "There is no time like the present." May we become entirely preoccupied with the things of God in all areas of our lives from this moment forward. May we be so loud in our praise and so zealous in our pursuit of living self-controlled, upright, and Godly lives that no one indeed can disregard us. Come, let us magnify the Lord together!

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.   Psalms 16:1-11