Enduring Faithfulness

Forever, O LORD, your word is firmly fixed in the heavens. Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast. By your appointment they stand this day, for all things are your servants. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have given me life. I am yours; save me, for I have sought your precepts. 
Psalms 119:89-94

     For some days now, my thoughts have turned to praise; my heart has been full of worship. I have had moments of just plain fatigue-born forgetfulness, but then suddenly this fierce joy comes welling up again. I am not a singer, but I sing. I find I am thankful for the hardships, thankful for friends, thankful for my work, thankful even for pain.

     It is a curious thing that brought me to this place. It was a weekend full of bone-crushing exhaustion coupled with my typical pre-migraine sense of spiritual void. It would be difficult to explain fully and so I will not try. It is enough to say that in the thick of it, I called upon the Lord for energy and clarity of mind the day before a task He had given me to do so I could prepare. He did not give it. Instead, that Monday I experienced a dramatic worsening of symptoms followed by a horrendous migraine that sent me to bed at 6:30 full of medication that did no more than polish the sharp edges. The sense of abandonment was heightened by so many other factors, many so personal that I cannot relate here, and I can only really share the barest glimpse of what went on inside my heart and mind. As it was, I felt utterly defeated and abandoned, and when the next day dawned I was angry and resentful of God.

     So silly, really. As I look back, I realize that I was simply and precisely committing the sin of unbelief, not to mention nursing my wounded pride. Apparently I allowed my feelings free reign and temporarily forgot Who was God and who was just the clay. While things did not go my way on that day, it certainly cannot be said they went badly. In fact, all was well and God did show up--in the nick of time--to give me the strength and resources I needed to do what He had told me to do. What a fool I was to doubt His faithfulness!

      At any rate, it is this experience that brought me to the edge of my faith and caused me to peer over to recall exactly what life was like before I knew my Lord. Before Christ, my life was empty; entirely, utterly empty. Oh, I had my family and I had my home and all of that, but on the day when I felt that God was not merely distant but had actually left me completely, I felt that I was bereft of a reason to go on. It is difficult to explain in words, for words do not do the experience justice. But words are what I have and so they must suffice. It was as if God, in His infinite wisdom, withdrew Himself from me completely so that I would be able to profoundly recall what it means to live in darkness without Him.

     It has heightened my passion for Him and for His word in ways I cannot express. I have joy unquenchable knowing that I have had my faith stripped to the very bones and found that it is built on Christ alone and not on feelings or circumstance. Without Him, there is truly nothing but death, darkness, decay. In Him I am alive, blessedly and fully alive. This gives me a much greater passion to shine His light into the dark and horrible places of the human experience, to share the wonder of no longer belonging to this ball of water and rock but to Someone immeasurably, infinitely greater.

      The experience was two-fold. He also allowed me to come to the very point of despair so that He could remind me how important my plans are to Him. They are just as important as a single grain of sand; as useful as wind to a motorboat. You see, I like to plan and to be prepared. God prefers me to rely on Him. While I am in no wise suggesting that planning is wrong or evil, I do know that in this one instance, He was clear on His purposes: He had called me to perform this task and He would give me exactly what I need to do it--just not my way.

     And so today I sit down to finish this post that my three most blessed interruptions prevented the finishing of yesterday, the threat of a migraine lurking and dulling my thoughts, and I cannot help but still feel wonder at the faithfulness of my God. I cannot help but feel awe that He has allowed me the privilege of approaching the Throne of Grace. I have such joy that, though I am helpless and entirely in His hands, I have no need to fear for His hands are hands of boundless love, inconceivable forbearance, and a steadfastness unchanged despite the tumult of human history. Whether I like how He does things are not, I know that I can trust Him implicitly--even when His ways are incomprehensible to me. He is good, and His word is good. How could I but love Him in return?

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes. 

The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Glad songs of salvation are in the tents of the righteous: "The right hand of the LORD does valiantly, the right hand of the LORD exalts, the right hand of the LORD does valiantly!" I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death. Open to me the gates of righteousness, that I may enter through them and give thanks to the LORD. 

Psalms 118:6-9, 14-19