Melancholia

Yesterday was not so good. Certainly not the worst day of my life; simply not so good. I find myself back in a place of frustration. I am weary of my own inefficient and ineffective child training, drained from constant physical discomfort of one sort or another, sick of feeling sick... Most of all, I am exasperated at my own thick-headedness! No matter how often I am rebuked by my Lord, I continually fall into selfish attitudes of the heart. I want what I want. Why? Why do I want anything more than what He has ordained for me? Fool that I am, I come to the very brink of surrender--enough to taste it--then rather than drinking my fill of Him and experiencing the joy of being completely within God's will, I shrink back. Why do I resist so at trust? How simple it would be to put myself completely aside, to no longer think of myself at all but to glut my thoughts with my Father and His kingdom. That is a special kind of freedom, I think, freedom from self and all its ridiculous vacillations.

One of the nastiest bits of yesterday occurred when I was convicted by my own words to my children. I was dealing with a discipline issue and felt as if God were shooting a significant look my way when I spoke. Ugh. That happens far too frequently for my liking. I do wish I had it all together before God blessed me with children. How much easier would it be to teach them self-control if I had already mastered it! And why, oh, why my Father did you give me such a mulish and harrying son? The child is so incredibly smart, but I can not let my guard down for a moment! When I do, I pay dearly, and he seems to continually probe for weakness. I feel so inept! Wouldn't he have done better with one of those super-parents who manage to always discipline out of love and keep their anger in check? Or even me before my resolve was eroded by constant fatigue? I know the Lord knows best, but it is knowledge borne of faith and not sight!

Speaking of faith, I am also saddened at my amazing lack. Each time I feel a teeny bit strong in my faith, God shows me how utterly weak I am. For each time I succeed in taking every thought captive to Christ, there are 50 times I fail. Oh, how I want to keep my mind full of Him, and how impossible it seems to be sometimes! I am reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. He talks of how he would calmly expel vain or useless thoughts each time they arose in his mind until they were gone. How I desire to do just that, and instead I am swept away by some idiotic "what-if" fantasy or some equally selfish matter. And so my discouragement mounts.

Finally, there is my struggle to renounce personal desires altogether and completely submit to the authority God has placed me under (or even His own). Rather than feeling bitter or ill-used when I am not able to do something I want to do, why do I not joyfully accept it, let the matter slip from my mind, and move on? Why do I stubbornly hang onto personhood? If I am to be cleansed and a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful to my Master (Timothy 2:21) then I need to be empty of personal ambition and desire. When do my dishes ever complain that I do not use them as a frisbee? Or my coffee mug whine because it prefers flavored coffee to the potent stuff I drink? I am the creation, not the Creator! Why do I have such a powerfully foolish will?

Point in fact, this all boils down to a failure to surrender--to give up the steering wheel. Oh, I've done it here and there, but like many things in my life, I am not consistant. I long to just sit back and enjoy the ride, but some nagging anxiety always prompts me to try my hand at driving yet again. Father, please rid me of this need to remain in control. Help me to let go of what I want, help me to let go of myself entirely. I pray that I will be supple in Your hands for You to shape as You wish without resistance on my part. Forgive me for failing in faith and surrender. I raise up my request to be wholly Yours, nothing held back, permanently. I want to, and yet something holds me back. Expose it, remove it, and use me as You will. In Jesus' name I ask for the grace to utterly relinquish control--forever; amen.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV^® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version^®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

My Father's Love

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!
Let Israel say, "His steadfast love endures forever.
Let the house of Aaron say, "His steadfast love endures forever." Let those who fear the LORD say, "His steadfast love endures forever."
Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free.
The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?
Psalm 118:1-6

Just the other night, I was frustrated. Due to an escalating discipline issue with our son, I was feeling like a failure as a parent. My homeschool year is looming and I did not feel ready. My once healthy body seems to be falling apart, treatments for one set of problems do not always work in conjunction with treatments for another set, bits of me seem to be aging prematurely in the most depressing ways, I'm tired of pain, tired of medicines, and tired of being tired all the time. There was more, but suffice to say that I was feeling simply overwhelmed. After putting the children to bed, I trudged downstairs ready to attack chores that had been left behind due to the time-consuming battle with Little Man and his great, big stubborn streak.

As I wearily prepared to wash the dishes, I felt a strong urge to go outside. I started to resist but recognized my Lord's quiet voice urging me and so abandoned the dishes and went. It was beautiful out; the heat of the day had given way to a pleasantly warm evening. I began to pray, laying all my frustrations at God's feet and trusting Him to know the ones I couldn't voice. As I prayed, tears began to fall and I fell silent, gazing at the horizon. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky was streaked with faint color. I sat for a moment, then stirred myself to rise and go back indoors. Again, that urging, "Just sit. Wait. I have something to show you." I sat. I listened. The cicadas were beginning their evening song. I realized that I used to enjoy listening to the cicadas on summer evenings but had not had the time since moving into and trying to maintain our big house. As I listened, I began to hear not only bird song, but individual birds and became aware of their locations around me. Always, the cicadas hummed their rising and falling song in the background. Peace washed over me and suddenly the pale colors in the sky began to seem a little richer... and a little richer... until the sky blazed with red-gold tinged with violet. Still, all around me the birds, cicadas, the frogs in the lake sang their goodnight praise to their Maker. Distant voices, rather than disturbing the symphony, were simply a part of it; the owners an unknowing participant in a harmony of worship. I began to worship silently, enjoying the show, enjoying feeling wrapped in my Father's arms.

When my husband arrived home from his errand, I was still lounging in the grass. I knew in my heart that my problems were not miraculously resolved. I knew that my health trouble was not over, nor was the battle to apply my son's stubbornness to the correct path. I had something better--my Lord had reminded me that He would be with me every step of the way. He had reminded me not to forget to praise Him through it all. By bringing my attention to the song of His Creation, my Father caused me to remember that He loves me too much to remove the trials. No matter what comes of it all, He has my best interests at heart. After all, no matter what happens to me here on earth, it is all to prepare me for a much greater chapter of my life after this earthly life ends. I came away, not with solutions, but with the peace that comes from understanding in a more complete and deeper way that I am in training for eternity. Yes, the work is hard, but it will be worthwhile. And most importantly, my Father truly does love me. Me personally. That amazes me most of all.

Gracious Father, we thank and praise You for Your goodness, for Your might, for Your compassion, and for Your strength. Your Creation sings Your praise. Thank You that we are invited to join this song! Help our frail, human minds and wills to remember You in all things--the good and the bad. Increase our faith and our sensitivity to Your Spirit's leading so that we may honor You in all we say, think, and do. May we bless You with our lives. In Jesus's precious name we praise and ask, amen.

Squash Vine Borer Woes

For the second year running, I am losing plants to pesky squash vine borers! I tried digging them out with a razor today, but I fear I did more damage to my precious plants than the silly bugs had already done. The poor plants were doomed to die, but I fear I brought it on earlier... A long pin or sharpened wire to kill the little beasties was a second recommendation, but naturally I tried the most damaging first. My only acorn squash plant has succumbed to my ministrations, as well as one zucchini and two crookneck plants. I fear for my pumpkins, too. My only consolation is that I did have the satisfaction of drowning a few fat, white larvae. Hah!

While I was looking at my poor, wilting plants with all their beautiful flowers and mourning their early death, an adult moth scared me half to death. I thought it was some strange, fat, black and red wasp. However, in my web search for anything--anything at all--that could be done for my poor plants, I found a picture of the mature menace. Grrrrrr... What is to be done? Perhaps I will skip all squashes next year and starve the little critters. More room for my corn, then, eh?

Instant Christian, Just Add Water?

Here I sit, in my morning place where I meet with God, and my thoughts are terribly jumbled. I am at war with my culture, it seems. Our pastor spoke last night on a widening gap between the church and the culture in America. He is correct about the gap, but I also see a widening gap between the words of the Bible and the church as represented in America. That is the gap that troubles me more.

It would make sense that a breech should exist between Christ's church and the materialistic and increasingly fast-paced culture we live in. What does not make sense to me is the shortcuts we see in modern Christianity. We have become a culture of frantically active, instantly gratified, deadline-driven folk. As Christians, we want to drag the lost to the cross, celebrate briefly when they see it with naked eyes, then shove them out the door to service. This has bothered me since the beginning of my walk and I have only just put words to it. It's true that I am just as guilty, just as willing to serve up a single-serving Gospel message and then expect that to fill the wadi of the soul enough to prompt the overflow of service. In truth, I think too many of us take occasional sips of the Living Water rather than drinking our fill and allowing Him to well up within us. I ran across a quote that gave wings to my thoughts on this matter:

"If then you are wise, you will show yourself rather as a reservoir than as a canal. For a canal spreads abroad water as it receives it, but a reservoir waits until it is filled before overflowing, and thus communicates, without loss to itself, its superabundant water. In the Church at the present day, we have many canals, few reservoirs."--Bernard of Clairvaux

That is it, precisely. There are many toddlers in the faith fumbling about, teaching others from their little and quickly burning out their spiritual energy. There are few who are willing to take the time to drink deeply of our Lord and quench their own inner thirst first. That is what I rail against--this battle inside my heart to do what is accepted in our culture. I have strained against my Lord's loving arms, "Let me run, Abba! Let me serve as the others do!" He has lovingly allowed me to trot off only to see that my own legs simply will not carry me as far as I believed they will. He lets me fall to see how young I am, how weak, how little I know. Then He takes me back in His arms and says, "Not yet. I have much to teach you yet, Little One. Service is nothing to Me if you do not obey." Ahhh, isn't that exactly what I tell my own children? "The best help you can give me is to obey my words." I say it, then I ignore it from my own Father. Foolish child that I am!

These things first began to bother me as I read through the Bible again and again. Not a single one of God's "superheros" came out of their very first experience with Him and conquered the world! No, to the contrary, they communed with Him, waited on His timing, loved Him, and learned from Him. Abram waited 25 years for his promised son. Moses spent 40 years in exile before receiving his commission from God. Joshua was first Moses' servant for unknown years before he became a leader. David was not anointed and immediately crowned--he faced years of uncertainty if his life would even be spared! Years of pressing into God further, trusting in Him... Paul--arguably the greatest evangelist who ever lived--also had a time apart before the greatest part of his ministry began. We know that after the 3 days of fasting and praying following his dramatic encounter with Christ on the Damascus road, he "immediately ... proclaimed Jesus in the synagogues, saying, "He is the Son of God." (Acts 9:20) Recall, however, that Paul was rigorously trained in Jewish law and tradition. He was already an authority on Scripture as it existed at the time! He was not a new convert whose only previous brush with the Word of God was seeing John 3:16 on a highway billboard. And even he, with all his zeal and all his knowledge was sent to Tarsus by the brothers of the faith. We don't hear from Paul again in Acts until Chapter 11:25 when Barnabus went to Tarsus to look for him. We know from Galatians that the interval could have been as much as 14 years (see Galatians 1:13-2:1). For Barnabus, it was no matter of dropping Paul an email and then hopping a bus or plane to head over to 34 Tarsus Drive. There was a good deal of leg work, asking questions, and certainly a great deal of time involved in finding him. I believe that God used this time to eradicate the remnants of Pharisee within Paul and to draw him in to closer fellowship with Himself. Paul was the first modern Christian, perhaps, champing at the bit until the Father reined him in and caused him to rest, reflect, and ripen.

So I am in a place of seeking now. I am learning to rest in Him, be with Him throughout my day. No more excuses that I don't have time... He gave me this family and I am attempting to make every toy I pick up, every t-shirt I fold, every dish I wash an act of worship. I am diligent to seek Him in the morning before the kids are up, even when I don't feel like it. On those days fatigue overtakes me and I sleep in, I snatch a moment to read a Psalm and pray, or I do it along with the kids. More and more frequently, I do both. I try to remember that He is with me everywhere I go. I make an effort to talk with Him about the joys, frustrations... even the temptations and sins I stumble on as I go about my day. I meditate on His word, sometimes in quiet, sometimes amidst the chaos of family life.

Do I find that I fit in nicely to this world with all this? Well, no. No, not at all. I have never seen Survivor or American Idol. I don't know what music is popular, nor do I know if my clothes are in fashion. What I do know is this: I can not possibly keep up with this world and allow God to stretch my heart in the ways I feel He desires for me. I can't give in to the temptation to look like a good little Christian and be visibly active in my church at the expense of my relationship to Him. Of course, once I relinquished that desire to "look good," He opened doors of service for me that are less visible--how glorious to obey! However, before I can afford to be busy, I must first develop the habit of continual awareness, continuous prayer, constant communion with Him. Jesus was able to balance an incredibly hectic pace in service to others with His relationship to the Father, but then sin never separated Christ from the Father until that horrible moment on the cross. And even Jesus didn't start His ministry from the cradle but took time to mature into a physical man. My whole point is, if our Lord took the time to mature, what on earth makes us think we can do otherwise?

Great Blessings

Yesterday was quite a day... It started as a simple zoo trip with a group of moms. My children and I were enjoying the fellowship, the beautiful day, and the immense variety of God's creation. I had a unique sense of my Father's presence throughout the day and was filled with love for each friend and each sweet child present. We all seemed to work together to keep an eye on all the children as if each of us had 14 children. It was beautiful, and beautifully illustrated the old proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child." I was able to thoroughly enjoy moments with my own precious brood as well as little talks with some of the other children and the sweet joy of simply watching them all interact. What a gift friendship is!

Then the adventures began. The first was a runaway wagon that I saw coming down a small hill and heading into the brush. One of our little group had been pulling and lost control, and my middle daughter was inside with 2 other little girls. By the grace of God no one was hurt--not even a scratch from the overhanging branches--and we were quickly back to trekking to the picnic tables. I was able to enjoy the story from the perspective of one of our friends, who is a gifted storyteller and can make you laugh until you fear public embarrassment! From fear to fun, and what a gift laughter is in releasing tensions!

Not long after, one expectant mom and I decided to take a break and head on over to the playground so the kids could run a bit and she could rest a little out of the sun. We'd hardly taken 5 steps when a passerby informed her that there was a bug on her 2-year-old's face. We looked, and Little Miss was rubbing a swollen, red eye! Was it simply sunscreen in the eye? We went to wash her face and it turned out that there was more to it... Off we drove to pick up some Benedryl! After some time, the swelling went down, the little one seemed better, and all 4 kids wished to go back and try the playground once more. Whew!

On my way home for a last-minute scramble to get everyone cleaned up and gather materials for our community group, I happened to see a car on the opposite side of the interstate swerve off the road. I felt concern for the driver and took a look in my mirror to see if they were able to regain control. Instead, my stomach clenched as I watched the car skid through the grass and tip to briefly stand on it's headlights before flipping upside down. I began to pray and fumbled my silly little cell phone out, trying to unlock it and dial 911. Thankfully, someone else was quicker than I and they already had the appropriate vehicles dispatched.

By the time we reached home, I was supercharged with adrenaline! I was also filled with a powerful love and appreciation for all of the family and friends my God has surrounded me with. Perhaps it was watching the vehicle accident; someone who was not spared after my own friends and family had been spared twice. I do know that there have been times when I have grumbled at the duties involved in keeping up with it all, times when all I wanted was a few hours of peace, quiet, and time alone with God. Yesterday, God met me amidst all the chaos, the noise, the crowd and I was filled with love almost beyond what I can bear. I felt a love that couldn't have been from my own heart: it was far too great, far too painfully sweet. I am convinced that He allowed me to sense just an eyelash-worth of the weight of love He carries for each one of us silly, selfish, thick-headed sinners. I cannot imagine further! I was up much of the night, just lying in my bed and talking to God, thanking Him for the experience, for my family, for my friends. Thanking Him for allowing me to glimpse something greater than I can ever concoct on my own. Praising Him for His mercy. Delighting in His presence. What an awesome God we have!