Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:7-8
I don't know about you, but I often find myself in a hurry these days. Or at least I did until God sat me down firmly and reminded me of what my duty is to Him. You see, though my heart desires to follow His priorities alone for my life, I often find that there is another, more earthly portion of my heart that wants to please others, or perhaps to look good, or some other, less noble motive. That is the part of me that struggles to say "no" to scheduling items, the part that wants to make sure my home-schooled kids are involved in enough activities, the part of me that, flatly stated, does not trust God enough to follow Him and Him alone but rather adds to the agenda He has given me so that it appears (to me) more well-rounded and fleshed out. Fleshed out, indeed, for it is simply works of the flesh that I add in; they have no spiritual merit or use to my Lord at all. He has given me the work that I need to do, but I continually struggle with a tendency to want to "improve" the list He has given me.
Very recently, I have found myself in this place again. In addition to our regular schooling, we attended tutorial this year, were involved in activities in 4-H, took care of our house and large lot, and kept up our commitment to church and to family in another city. That may not sound like much compared to the typical American family involved in multiple sports and extra-curricular activities, but for our rather easily frazzled family, it was a lot. Bear in mind, too, that I was not merely substituting my own agenda for God's, but adding to it. With all of this, we rarely missed our daily Bible reading as a family, our family prayer times, our commitments to ministry both small and large. These things are often unseen, but I knew somewhere in my heart that they were non-negotiable. And so, rather than drop them, I added to them until my daily schedule had very little margin time, very little time to sit at the feet of my Lord and listen. In fact, the Bible reading often became a mere check-list item and not a time of spiritual nourishment and refreshment. In adding to God's agenda, I found myself in the same sinful state as if I had dropped His priorities altogether.
Then there is the simple issue of health and how each of us is constructed differently. With all the bustle of this school year, I did fine for the first semester, but once I caught my first cold, I never really shook it and have had a variety of relatively minor (thanks to modern medicine) but still cumulatively debilitating illnesses. I am simply not able to keep up the modern pace, perhaps in part due to the one-two punch of meningitis followed by childbirth years ago, perhaps simply because it is how God reminds me to focus on Him. I do not know why--I only know that it is a fact that I really cannot escape. That more tangible fact coupled with the knowledge that I tend to become less joyful and gentle and more hateful and grouchy when I am overly busy leads me to the certain conclusion that I am not designed to live the fast-paced modern lifestyle.
As for my kids--well, it is much the same with them. Their physical health does not suffer as much, but they become more snippy with one another, less focused on the Lord, less obedient and more sassy with me when they are over-scheduled. The most difficult realization of this lesson to me was the realization that I had prioritized worldly values over Godly ones when it came to the teaching and training of my children. I had a soul-sickness, and I dragged my children along with me in my incessant attempts to measure up. I have seen a change in their focus, too. Less focus on the task at hand and more on what is coming next--as if I were training them not only to be busy but creating an addiction to busy-ness that increased as we became busier. Instead of creating a sense of satisfaction once the activity was over, they began to immediately ask about the next thing to come as soon as one was complete. It reminded me of junkies in need of a fix, and while it did not bother me in myself, it appalled me in my children. In order to achieve some self-imposed standard of what a good home school mom should do, I had given my kids to feed this monster of appearance within. I had figuratively sacrificed the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul.
The funny thing is, I did not think we were over scheduling this year at all. That is why I found myself adding to God's agenda liberally and even with relish. And He let me, likely because, in His wisdom, He knew that I would respond to the more concrete facts than a simple command. I am much like my own children--I often need the consequence to see why I should have listened in the first place. That is a humbling realization.
The fact of the matter is this: There are many good things to occupy my time and a veritable wealth of good things for me to get my kids involved in. As a home school mom, I often feel pressure to make sure my kids' education is comprehensive and balanced, to make certain they are not falling behind in a fast-paced society; in essence, I feel pressured, to use a cliche, to "keep up with the Joneses." This is not, in itself, wrong. I also feel pressure to make sure I measure up in ministry--that I am engaged in my quota of discipleship and missions-minded ministry activities. This also is not, in itself, wrong. But neither is it wrong to have a simple life, quiet time to listen to the Lord or reflect on His word, time to simply be and not just rush from one task to the next. It is not only not wrong, but critical, when that is precisely what He commands.
The problem arises when I am given a Divine instruction, and instead of simple obedience, I embellish; when I think my marching orders look bare and stark, and so I touch it up here and tack on a little accessory ministry item there. At that point, while I may give every outward appearance of the good and faithful servant, I have in reality crossed the line from obedient child to disobedient rebel, albeit subtly and with the best of intentions. I have left the feet of Jesus and given in the insistence of Martha that I get off my indolent rear and help her with the work, for goodness' sake. I have forgotten what is required of me. I do have work to do, but it is not always the work I believe should be done. It is simple, really: do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with my God. Not run ahead or lag behind, but with Him, every day, every step of the way.
Very recently, I have found myself in this place again. In addition to our regular schooling, we attended tutorial this year, were involved in activities in 4-H, took care of our house and large lot, and kept up our commitment to church and to family in another city. That may not sound like much compared to the typical American family involved in multiple sports and extra-curricular activities, but for our rather easily frazzled family, it was a lot. Bear in mind, too, that I was not merely substituting my own agenda for God's, but adding to it. With all of this, we rarely missed our daily Bible reading as a family, our family prayer times, our commitments to ministry both small and large. These things are often unseen, but I knew somewhere in my heart that they were non-negotiable. And so, rather than drop them, I added to them until my daily schedule had very little margin time, very little time to sit at the feet of my Lord and listen. In fact, the Bible reading often became a mere check-list item and not a time of spiritual nourishment and refreshment. In adding to God's agenda, I found myself in the same sinful state as if I had dropped His priorities altogether.
Then there is the simple issue of health and how each of us is constructed differently. With all the bustle of this school year, I did fine for the first semester, but once I caught my first cold, I never really shook it and have had a variety of relatively minor (thanks to modern medicine) but still cumulatively debilitating illnesses. I am simply not able to keep up the modern pace, perhaps in part due to the one-two punch of meningitis followed by childbirth years ago, perhaps simply because it is how God reminds me to focus on Him. I do not know why--I only know that it is a fact that I really cannot escape. That more tangible fact coupled with the knowledge that I tend to become less joyful and gentle and more hateful and grouchy when I am overly busy leads me to the certain conclusion that I am not designed to live the fast-paced modern lifestyle.
As for my kids--well, it is much the same with them. Their physical health does not suffer as much, but they become more snippy with one another, less focused on the Lord, less obedient and more sassy with me when they are over-scheduled. The most difficult realization of this lesson to me was the realization that I had prioritized worldly values over Godly ones when it came to the teaching and training of my children. I had a soul-sickness, and I dragged my children along with me in my incessant attempts to measure up. I have seen a change in their focus, too. Less focus on the task at hand and more on what is coming next--as if I were training them not only to be busy but creating an addiction to busy-ness that increased as we became busier. Instead of creating a sense of satisfaction once the activity was over, they began to immediately ask about the next thing to come as soon as one was complete. It reminded me of junkies in need of a fix, and while it did not bother me in myself, it appalled me in my children. In order to achieve some self-imposed standard of what a good home school mom should do, I had given my kids to feed this monster of appearance within. I had figuratively sacrificed the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul.
The funny thing is, I did not think we were over scheduling this year at all. That is why I found myself adding to God's agenda liberally and even with relish. And He let me, likely because, in His wisdom, He knew that I would respond to the more concrete facts than a simple command. I am much like my own children--I often need the consequence to see why I should have listened in the first place. That is a humbling realization.
The fact of the matter is this: There are many good things to occupy my time and a veritable wealth of good things for me to get my kids involved in. As a home school mom, I often feel pressure to make sure my kids' education is comprehensive and balanced, to make certain they are not falling behind in a fast-paced society; in essence, I feel pressured, to use a cliche, to "keep up with the Joneses." This is not, in itself, wrong. I also feel pressure to make sure I measure up in ministry--that I am engaged in my quota of discipleship and missions-minded ministry activities. This also is not, in itself, wrong. But neither is it wrong to have a simple life, quiet time to listen to the Lord or reflect on His word, time to simply be and not just rush from one task to the next. It is not only not wrong, but critical, when that is precisely what He commands.The problem arises when I am given a Divine instruction, and instead of simple obedience, I embellish; when I think my marching orders look bare and stark, and so I touch it up here and tack on a little accessory ministry item there. At that point, while I may give every outward appearance of the good and faithful servant, I have in reality crossed the line from obedient child to disobedient rebel, albeit subtly and with the best of intentions. I have left the feet of Jesus and given in the insistence of Martha that I get off my indolent rear and help her with the work, for goodness' sake. I have forgotten what is required of me. I do have work to do, but it is not always the work I believe should be done. It is simple, really: do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with my God. Not run ahead or lag behind, but with Him, every day, every step of the way.
O Lord, help me not to take for granted the simplicity of the commands You give me. An act of obedience to You, however small it may appear to my own eyes, is still a far more noble thing than any good deed done in defiance of Your express command and wish. Help me no longer to crowd out Your voice with my rushing about. Help me to teach my children the difficult priority of making abundant room for You in our lives even when it requires a sacrifice of many other good things and especially when it means sacrificing the way we appear to others for the sake of obeying You.
Make my heart long far more to please You than it does to please man. Remove from me the tendency to want to put what others think I should do--even others within Your Church--over what You have told me to do. Especially, Lord, I repent that it is often my own perception that lays this burden on me and not actual pressure from other people, for it is my anxious comparison of myself to others that cause me to over schedule and not scorn from them. It is all me, Lord, and I take full responsibility for this sin. Forgive me and help me to put You first in all things, even when it means that my schedule looks much emptier than I think it should. Even if I do receive criticism or contempt from others, give me the strength to be obedient to You first and foremost. Help me to trust You enough to obey You explicitly, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, and as a teacher. May my life be lived to Your glory alone, amen.
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