Easter

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I go over there and pray." And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me." 

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done." And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. 
Matthew 26:36-43

     This may be the first Resurrection Sunday ever that I am  not excited, save those handful that occurred during the time I was an unbelieving waitress. I don't know why I am so glum, honestly.  Maybe the chaos of this first quarter of our year has dampened my spirits. Possibly the relentless fatigue that has stalked me so ruthlessly has something to do with it. Almost certainly the return of another headache cycle, and one less responsive than ever to treatment, is a contributing factor. These and countless other components have left me feeling frayed, limp, and unenthusiastic this year.

     As I have contemplated the reason for my apathy this year, I have carried on a conversation with my Lord begging His pardon for not feeling my usual zeal for this event. His own experience at Gethsemane came to mind during the day, and I can't quite shake it.

     The more I have reflected, the more I doubt that Jesus, Himself, was particularly excited about that first Easter. Perhaps He was, to some extent, looking forward to the completion of the thin; the finale of His work on earth and the end of the business at His Resurrection. But before that victory came tribulation, heartache, suffering, and pain.

     I know that I, too, have pain, difficulty, toil, and heartache in my future. I am not being pessimistic. This is the human condition. We all will endure travail; we cannot escape it. The only thing that keeps me from utter despair is the certainty that none of it is in vain. There is more to the story than right now or even future anguish.  

     Even in the midst of the torturous fog that my chronic, complicated migraines deliver, I know that there is an end one day.  I know that even if the darkness seems to close in and all around me I find reason to weep, there will be joy in the morning--if not tomorrow morning then some future morning when I wake finally to peace, to bliss, to life everlasting in the presence of my King. That is reason enough to go on though I may be weary and at the end of my strength. His power is made perfect in my weakness. He is my strength and my song. Because of my Jesus, I will drink the cup I am given to drink. I, too, will say, "Not as I will, but as You will." 

     Father, You are good. Your will be done.


I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." 
John 16:33